I’m sorry things have been hard. It’s okay to not be okay. And don’t worry, I only saw this two post days later, so we’re even.

Well. I am having fun with paranoia. I keep being pulled out of sleep. I’ll just wake up for no reason and then not be able to go back to sleep. Then I make the mistake of going online, and I see allusions of reference, inside jokes and hidden meanings in every. single. thing. I hear a girl in my head screaming at me to stfu, either far away outside or in my head. It’s like tinnitus but verbal abuse. She’s doing it right now. It almost never stops. I feel hated and like I should perish. I’m low functioning and have been for a while, can’t clean my space because I can’t think clearly enough or focus or remember things. My diet is not great-lots of microwave junk-but at least trying a little bit. Like I’ll make a lazy meal a lot of the time-mac n cheese or ramen, but I’ll add in chopped vegetables. It’s the best I can do for now. I know how to cook, just can’t at this time.

I feel terrible, ngl. My self worth is nonexistent. There is no self worth present. I enjoy drawing but I am a shell of myself. Nothing else has meaning to me. I could walk away from everything and probably wouldn’t care. Only things that I still have feelings for are cats, nature, music, and drawing. My belongings have lost their meaning. I feel like I’m in someone else’s house that’s been abandoned for a long time. I feel watched 24/7, I can’t stop thinking about stupid things like the tech bros and brogrammers are all out to get me. Why did this delusion have to be so cringe, I would prefer if it was something more interesting like, I’ve been chosen by aliens to help create a hybrid race. I did think I had telekinesis when I was a kid for a couple of months. I remember going through acute stress at the time, and I think that delusion was borne out of the need to try to insert some control or magic back into my life where I felt there was none at the time.

I have no shame about sharing this even if it might be ridiculous and batsht crazy and tmi. This is a place to talk about mental health. If people are unsettled by me talking openly about my issues in a mental health support group, then I can’t help them with that. Watching Special Books for Special Kids, TED talks and interviews with other folks with mental illness is the one thing that has helped me not feel alone or like an absolute freak.

I have been seriously thinking about going inpatient to get everything sorted. It’s rough at the moment. I’m just paranoid about what will happen there, it’s the only thing stopping me.

I made a phone call. I’m proud of myself.

It’s different, it’s unfamiliar territory and I’m pretty dumb. But I need it. I need to get on that linux like a fish needs water. I will be joining the linux soon enough, or so help me God.

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The paranoia is definitely it’s own thing that I am aware I need therapy for but I don’t think that means to completely dismiss any of this as just me being hysterical. The presence of AI art generators is troubling and tons of artists are struggling and truly impacted by it. We feel written off. We feel attacked and betrayed.

I think it’s possible for there to be two truths. That yes I do have schizoaffective disorder and that is a personal issue I’m working on. But that ai art generators are also harmful to the art community and could discourage artists from posting to this instance if the ai art generators don’t allow them a space to share.

I want to make an argument against this statement. “They think the problem is that ai is capable of creating similar or better art” I did not say this. Ai art is not better, it can never be better without the human behind the drawing. I use art in place of the more appropriate word slop to allow people to read without immediately feeling accused and thus unwilling to see my perspective on this. We can’t come to an agreement on things if we are villifying the other person so if they think it’s art then I will call it that on their behalf, and then gently guide that person to why it’s not. It’s just empty without it. And usually the proportions are off or a thumb is mangled.

I love drawing so much but the presence of so many AI art generators is hurting my sanity.

People are so caring. T-T I’m not worthy. Thank you. <3

I’m sorry this was such a heavy post. Thank you for responding. The noise doesn’t bother me, but I have schizoaffective disorder and have been having really bad paranoia with mild auditory hallucinations. I have auditory hallucinations from all sounds, like the noises my body makes, the fan whirring, ambient white noise like the patter of rain. I hear things like people talking or a girl crying. I won’t sugarcoat it, it’s fucked up. But I am more terrified of the silence because I hear things then too. There is no mute button in my head. It makes noise with everything else has quieted. I give schizoaffective disorder a one star review.

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I’m not a good person either. I hope you’re taking care of yourself.

I heard someone say recently “I don’t believe in good or evil. I believe in kindness.” I am still trying to detangle myself from the idea of being good. Good is subjective.

We just have to be kind to ourselves, to others. And it’s okay to mess up. We are on this earth indefinitely. This isn’t a video game. We have endless opportunities to try again.

Not good, Bob. ._. If you are still a young whippersnapper, take care of your mental health, don’t be like me and let it get worse. This just snuck up on me. Now I can barely leave the house and electronic devices scare me. I am completely serious.