It is very stressful, especially coming from a more rural area. It doesn’t get too snowy here, but it does go down below freezing in the winter months. I’ll just have to get that room cleared one way or another.

Thanks for the interaction. Things are feeling less nightmarish than earlier.

It was just a small idle chat because I was out weeding at the time.

It’s okay for us to clean the trailer, but we just can’t throw out anything, and there’s a lot of stuff.

We’ve got one room completely cleaned, but the other one is dark, making it hard to see. Both are almost completely without electricity. It’s mainly just boxes piled up and black widows throughout. I know I need to make progress on the room before it gets truly cold, but I feel mentally stuck.

I’m so embarrssed and ashamed for losing my shit earlier. It’s like I have no control when that happens. Nobody needs a lunatic living next door. I wish I could live in seclusion -_-

Just had a meltdown in the trailer park. Yelled and broke a coffee cup, splashed coffee everywhere.

Still sleeping on the porch, it’s cold, my teeth have been hurting and I can’t makeart or do anyrhing else I used to like. If I could off myself easily I probably would.

I thought it would be okay since I was doing relatively well. Classic rationalization :p At least I’m doing better now. Did some yard work and chatted with a neighbor a bit, which made me feel normal-ish. I just need to stay away from weed until a distant future time when I’m alone. Thankfully I still don’t want to drink.

Thanks for replying~

I should not have smoked weed yesterday. The the horrible truth of my situation came crashing down: it’s weird for me to live here in the trailer park, not working, living on the fricking porch and hanging out here all day.

I’m stuck. My anxiety is high and I don’t want to go anywhere most of the time. I can hear people’s thoughts sometimes, or so it seems. I can’t drive, and the only other option is walking, or riding a bike which is in disrepair and in storage.

There is no other place for me. Rent’s too high everywhere. I spent so long being a hermit and now I just don’t want to deal with this. I feel like an alien no matter where I am, but it’s even worse here.

F landlords. They can upend your life at snap of their money-grubbing fingers and not give a sht whatsoever.

There’s also something called intermittent explosive disorder (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intermittent_explosive_disorder) that causes fits of rage. Before I quit booze I was having something similar very frequently. It was like my brain was being hijacked. I wouldn’t be surprised if in addition to bp2 I had that, or bpd…

Huh, I was on Lamictal and it didn’t make me manic. It was working pretty well but I had missed a few doses once, and when I started taking it again I didn’t taper up like you should. Well, I ended up getting a nasty rash on my hands, fingers, legs and feet. I stopped taking it immediately once I realized what was doing it. It might not have been The Rash, but my psych didn’t want to risk me rechallenging the drug.

You’re probably lucky not to have gotten fired over your behavior. Is your boss an understanding person?

My main problem when working was the anxiety and paranoid thoughts about the people around me. Neverending mental noise made it nearly impossible to keep my cool. Plus, low/high energy, of course.

I’m nearing the half century mark myself, though probably a couple years behind you. I look at my unmedicated self sometimes and cringe and shake my head in shame. (I did what at my age?) But life moves forward, so no use dwelling on things I can’t change. Just focusing on making better choices (:

Yikes, people hallucinate on Ambien if they stay up after dosing, or when taking too much. It would seem you did not, though.

Strange that Geodon cancels the sedative effects of those other drugs. I looked it up and it blocks serotonin and dopamine. I wonder if it somehow prevents the natural production of melatonin?

It’s good that you’ve found a way to stay asleep. I’ve used melatonin supplements too, but there is some concern about the body potentially getting too lazy to produce its own when getting it from an outside source. I still don’t know what the verdict on that is.

Yeah, it’s nice that the meds are working… a little too well sometimes. Idk if you’ve ever been on quetiapine, but getting up in the middle of the night is quite the experience. (I need to go easy on the water and tea before bed, haha.)

Are you sure you’re sleeping well? Are you hitting the REM stage regularly? Back when I was using cannabis I seemed to be getting enough sleep, but was dreaming less. I always felt tired. Booze also affected my sleep, but it was more obvious.

Definitely avoid blowing up at work if you can. Not sure if your boss is the issue, or if it’s just having ro spend too much time working, but there’s probably a better way to let your boss know if they’ve crossed a line (I believe everyone should draw clear lines if possible, since abuse of authority seems rampant in all sectors).

Not having a rough time this week, which is great. Meds are working as they should. And a certain family member who has been causing trouble will be moving out soon, which is a relief to everyone. Plus, it means I won’t have to sleep on the covered porch over Winter.

More in depth: when I and another family member moved in, it became clear something was going to have to give, but it didn’t have to result in the another one moving out. Nevertheless, I feel bad about him moving just because we are here. But the dude hasn’t been doing anything to help, borrows money and doesn’t pay it back, promises to pay rent but doesn’t, verbally assaults people, and… I’m not going into everything. At any rate, we didn’t push him to move out, but he is anyway. There was going to be hard feelings no matter what :/

How’s it going for you?